Do We Ever Stop Needing Comfort?

From the moment we are born, comfort is woven into our survival. A baby’s cry is met with touch, warmth, and soothing words. But what about adulthood? Should we eventually “grow out of it,” learning to stand strong and independent without reassurance? Or do we carry within us an inner child that continues to crave comfort when life feels overwhelming?

This question is not only philosophical but deeply psychological. In therapy, it often appears in subtle forms: patients who apologize for needing support, individuals who dismiss their own emotions as weakness, or those who feel guilty when they turn to others for reassurance. Let’s consider both sides of the debate.

Argument A: Adults Should Learn Independence

Many psychologists and cultural traditions emphasize independence as a sign of maturity. To become an adult, we are expected to regulate our emotions, manage stress, and take responsibility for our wellbeing without leaning too heavily on others.

From this view, excessive reliance on comfort may become a form of avoidance. For instance:

• Reassurance-seeking: Constantly asking loved ones if “everything is okay” can actually strengthen anxiety, because the brain never learns to tolerate uncertainty.
• Dependency loops: Relying on external soothing prevents the development of inner resilience and coping strategies.
• Emotional self-regulation: A key developmental task of adulthood is to calm oneself without external input ( breathing exercises, grounding, or reframing thoughts).

In CBT, this side of the argument resonates with techniques that encourage clients to build their own coping toolkit rather than waiting for others to “rescue” them emotionally. The goal is to break cycles of dependency and empower the individual to face challenges with confidence.

Argument B: The Inner Child Still Needs Reassurance

Yet, psychology also reminds us that humans remain social beings throughout life. Attachment theory shows that the need for closeness and comfort does not end with childhood; it evolves. Adults, just like children, seek safe relationships where they can feel seen, heard, and soothed.

Several insights support this perspective:

• Attachment as lifelong: Research by Bowlby and later attachment theorists highlights that secure relationships in adulthood (whether with a partner, friend, or therapist) provide a base for resilience.
• Neurobiology of comfort: Oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” is released not only in infancy but throughout life when we experience warmth, trust, and touch. Our brains are wired for soothing exchanges.
• Trauma and triggers: When someone experiences trauma, their inner child often “re-emerges” during moments of stress. Comfort in these times is not regression but healing.
• Self-soothing as re-parenting: In therapy, individuals often learn to become the parent their younger self needed; offering compassion, reassurance, and gentleness to themselves in moments of fear.

From this angle, needing comfort is not immaturity; it is an essential part of being human. To deny it completely may fuel shame and emotional disconnection.

A Middle Ground: Comfort and Independence in Balance

Rather than asking whether comfort should stop, perhaps the better question is: How can we balance our need for comfort with our need for independence?

• Healthy comfort means being able to receive reassurance without becoming dependent on it.
• Healthy independence means being able to stand alone without rejecting the human need for connection.

CBT often works at this intersection. For example:

• A patient who feels ashamed for crying may learn that tears are a form of release, not weakness.
• Another who constantly asks their partner for reassurance may practice tolerating uncertainty, while still allowing space for intimacy and warmth.
• Someone who feels triggered may learn self-soothing techniques (grounding, breathing, affirmations) while also reaching out to a safe person when necessary.

In this way, the adult self and the inner child coexist; one providing structure, the other reminding us of our human vulnerability.

Final Reflection

So, do we ever stop needing comfort? The truth may lie between the extremes. We do need to cultivate independence and resilience, but we also never outgrow the fundamental human longing to be soothed. A life of complete self-reliance may look strong on the outside but feel lonely within. A life of total dependence may feel secure but fragile when others are unavailable.

Perhaps maturity is not the absence of comfort but the ability to comfort ourselves and allow others to comfort us. To embrace both independence and connection is to acknowledge that being human means carrying the child within us; not as a weakness, but as a reminder that compassion and care are timeless needs.